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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 9

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Ladies and gentlemen, here are 10 undisputable facts entering Week 9 (the halfway point) of the 2015 NFL Season.

10. Tom Brady is the MVP.  

9. Amari Cooper is the first half Rookie of the Year, but if Todd Gurley keeps rushing for 125-yards every week he will win the award.

8. Thou shalt never bet against the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Primetime.

7. The Denver Broncos defense is “all-time” good.  

6. The “Red-headed Gunslinger” has grown up.

5. Odell Beckham Jr., Julio Jones, A.J. Green and DeAndre Hopkins are the best wide receivers in football. The Informer has no idea in what order, though.

4. J.J .Watt is still not the 2014 NFL MVP.

3. The first half under in Primetime, despite getting beaten by a John Football 92-yard miracle drive last night, is 20-6 on the season and remains the best bet in all of fake illegal wagering.

2. The Informer has now finished .500 or better against the spread in seven of the eight week’s this season.

1. According to the website nflpickwatch.com, which is a site that keeps track of the records for main stream media members who pick NFL games ATS, The Informer’s 66-48-5 record through eight weeks is the absolute best in the world.  

And on that winning note: How about we stop stroking The Informer’s ego with cold hard facts, crack open some Natties, and get to the Week 9 NFL picks?

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-13)

Here is what The Informer tweeted out Thursday morning . . .

Pick: Bengals (-13) WIN

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-4)

The Raiders are coming off of two straight great wins (letdown potential). They are traveling West Coast to East Coast for a noon start (for some reason this matters). They have only won two road games since the start of the 2013 Season. And finally, The Informer is pretty sure this is the first time they have been over .500 in the month of November since before Al Gore created the internet #ItsBeenAwhile.

All The Informer is trying to say is that we should probably see the Raiders do it against a good team before we make them less than a touchdown dog on the road against a healthy Big Ben RoethlisDoubleBaconCheeseBerger.

Pick: Steelers (-4)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW YORK JETS (-6.5)

Remember a few weeks ago when everyone was jumping on the “Jets can dethrone New England in the AFC East” bandwagon despite the fact that their quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick?

Yea . . . Those people are morons.

Pick: Jags (+6.5)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-1.5)

Todd Gurley’s first five games as a pro: 525 yards rushing

Adrian Peterson first five games as a pro: 604 yards rushing.

Todd Gurley 100-yard rushing games in his first five games as a pro: 4

AP 100-yard rushing games in his first five games as a pro: 4

Rams record in Gurley’s first five games as a pro: 2-3

Vikings record in AP’s first five games as a pro: 2-3

Well . . . Since we are apparently watching history repeat itself, that means Todd Gurley is about to go on the road in his sixth game and taste defeat for the fourth time (Peterson and the Vikes lost at Dallas in his sixth career game).

Pick: Vikings (-1.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

When in doubt over two mediocre teams coming off an extended rest, the rules clearly state you take the points.  

Pick: Dolphins (+3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-7.5)

Did you know there have only been eight seasons in NFL history where a quarterback has thrown for at least 5,000 yards? Did you know that Drew Brees is responsible for four of those eight seasons (Brady, Manning, Marino and Stafford have the other four)? Did you also know “Mr. 5000” is currently on pace for his NFL record extending fifth career 5,000 yard season?

Looking at those numbers The Informer has to ask: What does this guy need to do to win an MVP Award? And maybe more importantly: Why is The Informer so scared to lay 7.5 points with him at home against a garbage Titans team?

Pick: Titans (+7.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5)

In the eighth game of their “F-U Spygate” 2007 season, the New England Patriots went on the road and defeated the Washington Redskins 52-7. Now, in the eighth game of their “F-U Tom Brady doesn’t care how inflated his balls are he is still better than you” 2015 season, the New England Patriots are playing at home against the Washington Redskins.

Do you see where The Informer is going with this? #BoatRaceTime

Pick: Pats (-13.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (+2.5)

Honest question: Has Aaron Rodgers ever lost two straight games?

Pick: Packers (-2.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-7)

Here is a list of things The Informer would rather do then bet on Blaine Gabbert: Move into the house where Craig T Nelson lived during the movie Poltergeist; switch from Blimpies to Subway; have drinks with Bill Cosby; lose weight; watch a full season of Keeping up with the Kardashians; contract genital Herpes;  get curb-stomped by Ed Norton; trade text-pictures with Brett Favre; drop the soap in a prison shower; leave my wife alone with Shawn Kemp; and last but not least, watch the entire Jags-Jets dumpster fire on Sunday.

Needless to say, betting against Blaine Gabbert on Sunday is The Informer’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Falcons (-7)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+2.5)

Here are six things you need to know about quarterbacks with 6 TD passes in a single game.

6. Last week Eli Manning became just the 34th quarterback to accomplish this feat in the 95-year NFL history. With his milestone, Manning now joins other elite NFL greats like Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Flynn and Tommy Kramer in the hallowed “6 TD Club”.

5. Brett Favre once threw 6 TD passes while playing for the New York Jets (What?).

4. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have each thrown 6 TD passes or more on three separate occasions.

3. Drew Brees and Eli Manning are the first pair of QBs to throw six or more TD passes in the same game.

2. There have been a total of 46 NFL games where a QB has thrown at least 6 TD passes.

1. If Eli Manning ever throws for 6 TDs in a game again, he will become just the ninth player in NFL history to accomplish the feat twice in a career. He would join Manning, Brady, Brees, Rodgers, Y.A. Tittle, George Blanda, some guy named Charles Johnson and Daryle Lamonica in the prestigious club.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+2.5)

The first half under is 20-6 in Primetime . . . The First half under is 20-6 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 20-6 in Primetime . . . The First half under is 20-6 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 20-6 in Primetime . . . The First half under is 20-6 in Primetime!!!

Pick: Eagles (-2.5) & First Half Under (23)

CHICAGO BEARS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-4)

Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime with no Matt Forte? What could go wrong?

Pick: Bears (+4) & First Half Under (25)

DENVER BRONCOS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+5)

According to 100% real and not completely made up unknown sources, here is a list of ailgments currently afflicting the 5X NFL MVP: He got food poisoning from moldy Chicken Parm; he has West Nile; he also has East Nile; he has Tanorexica (aka tanning addiction); he lacerated his sphincter; he broke his spinal riding motorcycles with Mike Tyson; his left pinky finger is sprained; the middle of his body is paralyzed from the neck down; he is six weeks pregnant; he has Arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of mouth); and finally his surgically repaired right water noodle fell off and had to be replaced with a wire coat hanger.  

Amazingly, despite all of those injuries, Manning only needs 284 yards passing in the house he built with laser-rocket-ducks in order to pass Brett Favre and become the NFL’s all-time passing yard leader.

Not bad injured old man. Not bad at all.

Pick: Donkeys (-5.5)

That is a wrap folks. Have a great Week 9. May it be filled with winning picks, first half unders and all the Blimpies fake illegal gambling winnings can buy.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 NFL PICKS RECORD: 66-48-5

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 6-3

The First Half Under in Prime-time: 20-6 (Including TNF)

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.