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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 7

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“Dear Mis-Informer,

Next time you are on a five week win streak with your picks could you please not rub it in the Gambling Tebow’s faces? Seriously dude . . . Were you just caught up in the moment? Or are you a bigger moron then we all suspected? Either way, you are an overweight hillbilly who we all hate and you owe us a refund for your crap Week 6 picks.

Sincerely,

The four and a half people who wasted their time reading last week’s garbage

Here is the deal; the figment of The Informer’s imagination is 100% right. Last week The Informer got cocky and it came back to bite him in the a**. There is no excuse for it. The Informer went all Matthew McConaughey in Two for the Money and thought he was invincible.

Thanks to Week 6, we now know that is not the case. The Informer is in fact not Mark Walberg (Get it?). Also, thanks to Week 6, we found out that even one of the “best in the world” can have a bad week when it comes to picking NFL games.

With all that said: Can we please put the Week 6 disaster behind us, crack open some Natties, and move on to the greener pastures known as Week 7 of the 2015 NFL Season? Doesn’t that sound way better than spending anymore time calling The Informer a hillbilly?

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+6.5)

Here is what The Informer tweeted out about this game on Thursday morning.

In the semi-changed words of Ice Cube, “Yesterday was a good day.”

Pick: LKLOTW HGHawks (-6.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+5.5) (IN LONDON)

The Informer was Gobsmacked when he saw this line was only -5.5 points. I mean seriously, aren’t the Buffalo Bills Bloody Gutted at how they Botched their game last week? So shouldn’t we expect them to come to London Cheesed Off with a ton of Bottle ready to prove to the world they are the Blokes we thought they were? And if that is the case, and the Bills are going to Roundabout the Wagons on Sunday, a person would have to be a Bloody Muppet to bet the Jags, right?

Now, before you tell The Informer to go Shag himself for Flog betting E.J. “The Pea Shooter” Manuel under any circumstances, please remember there is no need to get into a Row over picking this game.

All The Informer is trying to say is that if you place your Full Monty of hard earned Dosh on the Bills you will be Chuffed with the results. Furthermore; if you go the other way you will be making a huge Cock Up that will cause you to be Skint before the noon games start and possibly even land you in her majesty’s pleasure.

So on Sunday don’t be a Wanker Taking the Piss for betting the Jags. Instead be the Shite who said Screw it and Quid the Bills all the way to the bank.

To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is Bloody Sloshed on Stout Pale-Ale Natty Light.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

(Editor’s note – If you would like to translate whatever the hell The Informer just said, click on this link.)

Pick: Bills (-5.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (+1.5)

Landry Jones has never lost a NFL regular season game that he has started. Keep that in mind before you bet the Kansas City terribles on Sunday.

Pick: Steelers (-1.5)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-4)

How many wins does Dan “The Man” Campbell have to get before Joe Philbin’s mother starts saying Dan Campbell should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino while she serves cookies to her guests?

Pick: Dolphins (-4)

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8)

Why in the hell is 55% of the public betting Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road against Tom Brady? Do these people not watch football? You know what, don’t answer that. Just keep lowering the line with your Fitzpatrick on the road bets. The Informer will gladly take the free Blimpies money.

Pick: Pats (-8)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2.5)

Does Matthew Stafford finally realize the only reason he was ever good at quarterbacking is because he used to throw the ball to Calvin Johnson on every play? Or is he going to go back to being drunk Jay Culter this weekend?

The Informer is betting on the latter.

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ ST LOUIS RAMS (-6.5)

Here are some fun facts you may not know about Todd Gurley:

There used to be a street named after Todd Gurley, but the city had to change it because nobody crosses Todd Gurley and lives.

Todd Gurley and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their clothes.

Tim Tebow maybe able to walk on water, but did you know Todd Gurley can swim through land?

Todd Gurley once ordered a Blimpies Best at Jimmy John’s and got it.

Todd Gurley is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Todd Gurley refers to himself in the fourth person.

Todd Gurley tells Simon what to do.

M.C. Hammer found out the hard way that Todd Gurley can touch this.

Todd Gurley’s tears could cure erectile dysfunction . . . Too bad he has never cried.

Todd Gurley has a diary. It is called the Guinness Book of World Records.

One time a Cobra snake bit Todd Gurley’s leg . . . After five days of extreme agony the snake finally died.

Last but not least,

When Todd Gurley sleeps at night he has nightmares of Gary “Barnkowski”.

Wait . . . What?

Who in the bluest of blue hells is Gary Barnkowski? Is he related to Rob Gronkowski? Are they twin brothers from another mother? Seriously, how is this guy so damn good? And why is The Informer so damn scared to bet against him?

Listen, at the end of the day, despite Gurley’s “Chuck Norris-ness”, this is Barnkowski’s world and we are all just lucky to be living in it.

Pick: Browns (+6.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3.5)

Call me old fashioned, but betting against Oakland on the road is still one of The Informer’s favorite bi-weekly traditions.

Pick: Chargers (-3.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+4.5)

The Informer does not care that 90% of the public is betting Atlanta right now. The fact of the matter is that the Titans suck, they maybe without their starting quarterback (hello, Zach Mettenberger), and the Falcons have had 10 days to prepare — and get Julio Jones healthy — for this game.

Don’t get cute with this one. Sometimes, like with this line, Vegas messes up so bad that the public has no choice but to cash in.

Pick: Falcons (-4.5)

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (-3)

Hey Bob Barker, how do you feel about Kirk Cousins as a quarterback?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RprMPis226k

He sure does Bob. He sure does.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+3)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-4.5)

Here are the Colts next four games: Saints, @Carolina, Broncos and @Atlanta. In other words, they have the crap Saints this week followed by three straight games against teams with one loss or less.

Yea . . . The Informer would go ahead and call this a must win for the 3-3 Colts.

Pick: Colts (-4.5)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

So y’all want The Informer to bet Matt Cassel on the road because the Cowboys are starting the Seattle Seahawks back-up running back this weekend?

Grow up, Peter Pan.

Pick: Giants (-3.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)

The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time!!!

Are we all clear?

Pick: Panthers (-3) & 1ST Half Under (23.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-7.5)

The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time . . . The first half unders are 16-4 in Prime-time!!!

Are we all clear?

Pick: Cards (-7.5) & 1ST Half Under (24.5)

That is a wrap folks. Please have a safe and winning Week 7.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 NFL PICKS RECORD: 51-36-4

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 6-2 (Including TNF)

The First Half Under in Prime-time: 16-4 (Including TNF)

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.