CHICAGO – Desperate times call for desperate measures and times are no more desperate for the Chicago Cubs than right now as they head into Game 4 of the NLCS trailing the New York Mets three games to zero. With that being the case, manager Joe Maddon has decided to call upon a proven Mets stopper for tonight’s Game 4 at Wrigley Field:
“It’s going to be Rowengartner tonight,” Cubs manager Joe Maddon to the media Wednesday morning, “At this point, we need to go with the only guy available that has had some success against the New York Mets in postseason play and Henry’s that guy.
Henry Rowengartner, the former Rookie of the Year for the Cubs in 1993 who burst onto the scene at the young age of 12 after breaking his arm in a freak baseball-slipping accident and discovering in the Wrigley Field bleachers that he could somehow throw 100 MPH, will look to regain his once elite form that allowed him to close out the Mets in 1993 NLCS.
Despite his previous successes against the Mets, it’s a move that caught the baseball world by surprise as Rowengartner, now 35 years old, hasn’t pitched in nearly 22 years since striking out feared Mets slugger Alejandro Heddo in 1993 with an eephus pitch that his mom told him to throw. While in relief of legendary pitcher Chet “Rocket” Steadman, Rowengartner re-broke his arm in the ninth inning due to another freak baseball-slipping accident and the effects of his first injury were magically reversed.
“He’s a gamer,” said Maddon, “He had every excuse to just give up back in 1993, but he hung in there to punch out Heddo at the most crucial time even without his only pitch at his disposal. With that being said, I’ve instructed the entire team to place rogue baseballs on the ground throughout the clubhouse in hopes that Henry trips over one again.”
Not everyone agrees with Maddon’s decision to go with Rowengartner over a more reliable starter such as Jason Hammel. ESPN baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian called the decision “utterly ridiculous” and referred to Rowengartner as “well past his prime” while wondering in a high-pitched tone how Rowengartner was “even eligible to be on a postseason roster.” Maddon quelled any concern about postseason eligibility:
“We told Major League Baseball that he’s been on active military duty since the age of 13,” Maddon said with a chuckle citing a little known rule that active military members are in fact eligible for postseason play. “Reports that we acquired him from State Farm Insurance for Fernando Rodney are grossly inaccurate.”
Rowengartner could not be reached for comment, but sources have reported that he is “conflicted” on his long-awaited return to the mound as he may rather just “spend time with his friends.”
(NOTE: This story is completely fictional (well, at least PROBABLY fictional) and is only designed to be enjoyed as “satire.” However, the use of this to test others’ gullibility is not discouraged in any way.)