Put down the phones…


Put down the phones…

There seems to be a new trend that has coincided with advancements in smartphone camera technology and people’s increased feeling of self-importance. Whether there are two outs, two strikes in the ninth inning, or time for a last-second hail mary or 3-point shot, you see this happen in every stadium and field across professional sports. People whip out their phones and watch the rest of the game — the most exciting part of the game — through their 6-inch screens.

Here is something that surely won’t happen to you 15 years from now. You are in your living room watching your favorite sports team play when you turn to your friend — or child — or whoever is stuck watching the game with you,– and say “did you know that I was at ____ Field when the _____ won the ____. Do you want to see a video I took?” You then whip out your iPhone 24S (it’s like the iPhone 23 but much better battery life!) and scroll all the way back — 15 years — to October of 2015 when this event occurred and you were so damn lucky to have been there and captured it all on film. “Hang on, I’m on June 2021, just another minute….OK I think this was it.” You pass your phone off and this person watches this 20-second clip where they can sort of make out something happening followed by a lot of yelling before abruptly ending.

Wow, what a fun time that hypothetical moment in your life will be!

You may be wondering why the Commissioner is getting so riled up by other people’s personal choices. After all, it is your prerogative if you want to bust out the phone and take a video…it’s not like it is ruining my sports experience…right?


I don’t want to sound like that anal professor who claims that taking your phone out will distract others around you…but…let me walk you through what happened while I was at the Cubs game last week. The Cubs were an out away from their first ever playoff clinch at Wrigley Field when something incredible happened. The woman in front of me takes out her phone and starts shooting video (like many others around her)…she then TURNS AROUND — 180 degrees —  and takes some sort of selfie-hybrid video of herself, the action carrying on directly behind her. What the hell, man. At this point, all I could think about was how shitty this girl must be. I was hypothesizing ways that I could make her feel terrible about herself in real-time instead of concentrating on the most exciting Cubs moment in the last 12-years when BAM the game ended.

So please, just enjoy the damn game. Nobody cares about your stupid videos. Not even the future you. The people who liked your video on Facebook probably didn’t even watch it. They’re probably old people that like everything you post. And even if you do care and like to look back at that video every night before you go to bed (that would be weird), chances are you’ll lose that video with a rogue iPhone update.

Here are a couple of other things on my mind….

  1. Is there an opt-out potion that prevents Alabama running backs from evolving into fat, slower versions of themselves? First Trent Richardson and now Eddie Lacy? It’s like they come out of school as Pikachu and evolve into Raichu after a year-and-a-half. Nobody wants Raichu.
  2. Portillos opening their first Wisconsin restaurant will benefit many people. Eddie Lacy is not one of them.
  3. Do squirrels poop? I’ve seen a lot of squirrels…but never squirrel poop.

And that’s the Commissioner’s take. Nobody cares about your sports videos, Eddie Lacy will gain more weight from natural evolution and Portillos fries, squirrels don’t poop (at least not that I’ve seen), and the person sitting in section 215, row 9, seat 111 on October 13th at Wrigley Field should seriously reconsider her life choices.


About Author

Tech start-up analyst by day, sports enthusiast by night. Commissioner Gordon uses his undying love of sports and cutting edge predictive analytic tools to gain a competitive edge on absolutely no one. Living his life in a perpetual state of sarcasm -- Commissioner Gordon is tall, handsome, and struggles to communicate with average-to-short sized individuals when in a large crowd.