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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 6

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The great Dominic Toretto once said, “Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don’t matter if you win by an inch, or a mile. Winning is winning.”

Now, not only is Dom’s life lesson important if you are an undercover cop pretending to be an illegal street racer so you can hook up with his sister, but it also comes in handy if you are gambling picking NFL games on a weekly basis.

Because just like illegal street racing, at the end of the day it does not matter if you win one dollar, or a hundred dollars –winning is winning.

So sure, last week The Informer wishes he would have done better than 7-6-1 against the spread. But if we take the time and listen to Dom’s words, we will be reminded that the 7-6-1 record still means The Informer accomplished his goal of finishing .500 or better against the spread (That is five weeks in a row).

Also, thanks to the mediocre 7-6-1 Week 4, The Informer can still brag about how according to this website that documents all the “National Experts” picks against the spread record, his 45 total correct picks through five weeks is the highest total in the World.

Anyways, putting The Informer’s UNBOLIEVABLE picks record aside, now that we have completely jinxed this week’s column by openly bragging in the face of the gambling “Tebow’s”: How about we crack open the Natties and get to Week 6 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge?

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+3.5)

Three thoughts about last night:

1. Can we please stop with all the articles claiming Drew Brees is washed up? That angle was dumb 18 years ago when they said it about John Elway. It was dumb four years ago when they said it about the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning. It was dumb a year ago when they said it about Tom Brady. And it was just as dumb this past week when they said it about a guy who has thrown a TD pass in 95 of his last 96 games.

2. It is time to mention Devonta Freeman in any and every 2015 NFL MVP conversations.

3. In the semi changed words of Jimmy Johnson, “How about them first half unders in Prime-time?”

Pick: Falcons (-3.5) LOSS

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+3.5)

The Informer would have to be at least 15 Natty Lights deep before he would ever bet E.J. “The Pea Shooter not The Cannon” Manuel over the red-headed gunslinger.

Pick: Bills (+3.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+4.5)

According to 100% real and legit unknown sources, here is a list of problems Peyton Manning is currently dealing with: He has a fractured femur shaft in his left and right leg; he has type 2 adult onset diabetes; he has blue skin disorder (yes that is a real thing); he has had an erection lasting over 4 hours; he has 14 dislocated fingers; he has cataracts in the right eye; he somehow contracted the mysterious disease that took Jenny Gump away from Forrest; his parents love Eli more than him; he diet lacks fiber; he has a ruptured pancreas; he has herpes simplex of the mouth; he has Triskaidekaphobia (aka fear of the number 13); and finally he is really old, washed up and should be taken out back and shot Old Yeller style.

Man, it is really hard to fathom that a man with so much going against him is about to be 6-0 #ChickenParmYouTasteSoGood.

Pick: Donkeys (-4.5)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-4)

“Finally, Alex Smith is going to be the focal point of our offense” . . . Said no Kansas City Chiefs fan ever.

Pick: Vikings (-4)

CHICAGO BEARS @ DETROIT LIONS (+3)

Team A: “Hi . . . We are the Chicago Bears and we have Direct TV Jay Cutler.”

Team B: “And we are the Detroit Lions and we have basic cable Jay Cutler (aka Matt Stafford).”

Folks, please don’t get stuck betting basic cable Jay Cutler.

Pick: Bears (+3)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3)

Bruce Arians coaching against his former team that once told him he was too old to coach and should consider retiring Check.

The Pittsburgh Steelers starting their backup quarterback against one of the five best teams in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE Check.

The Pittsburgh Steelers coming off of a huge last second miracle win making them due for a letdown –Check.

Did The Informer mention that Bruce Arians is coaching against the team that told him to retire because he was old?

Sure sounds like the Lion King Lock of the Week to me.

Pick: LKLOTW Arizona (-3)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK JETS (-6)

The Informer refuses to BOLIEVE that we live in a society where Vegas can get away with making Ryan Fitzpatrick a six point favorite.

Pick: Washington (+6)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (PK)

Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins currently has 578 yards receiving through his five games. To put that number in perspective, during his record setting 2012 season, Calvin Johnson had 558 yards receiving through five games.

Just saying; Hopkins’ numbers are something we may need to start keeping an eye on.

Pick: Texans (PK)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2)

Anyone has to be better than Joe Philbin, right?

Pick: Dolphins (+2)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7)

Should The Informer make the “I would hate to be the Seattle Seahawks HGH needle this week” joke? Or do we stick with the standard “Unknown sources have confirmed (allegedly) that HGH sales are through the roof in the Seattle area this past week” joke?

Either way, until the juice kicks in (allegedly) there is no reason Seattle should be a seven point favorite over a 4-0 team coming off their bye week.

Pick: Panthers (+7)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-10.5)

There is a 100% chance The Informer is going to regret this on Monday.

Pick: Chargers (+10.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ SAN FRANSICO 49ERS (+2.5)

When two crap teams are playing you always take the points; especially if that means you are getting a home dog.

Pick: 49ers (+2.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)

Everyone say it with me:

The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3 . . . The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3 . . . The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3 . . . The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3 . . . The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3 . . . The first half under in Prime-time is 14-3.

Everyone on board? Good . . . Great . . . Grand . . . Wonderful . . . NO YELLING ON THE UNDERS BUS!!!

As for the game, The Informer would like to see the Eagles do it two weeks in a row before we make them a 4.5 point favorite over a division rival who should be 5-0.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+10)

The Informer is not going to lie; if this game does not give you a “Mike’s friend from growing pains in sweatpants”  than you do not like football my friend.

Seriously, Tom Terrific and the New England Patriots getting to play all four quarters against the Indianapolis Colts with “fully” inflated footballs.

What is not to love about that?

Remember, the last time these two teams played the Pats spent the first half playing with “under” inflated footballs and as a result the game was only 17-7 at intermission. It was only after the referees fixed the “deflated” problem did New England boat race the Colts to the tune of 28-0 in the 2nd half.

For you non math majors out there, that means if New England would have had properly inflated footballs for four quarters the Pats would have won 56-0, instead of 45-7.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is not an opinion; that is science.

If you want an opinion here it is: On Sunday night when Gisele’s boy toy plays against Indy with “fully” inflated footballs for the first time in his career, he is going to morph into a football version of Jason Voorhees. And unfortunately for the Colts, they are the horny teenagers who let him drown in Lake Deflategate.

Pick: Pats (-10)

That is a wrap folks. Have a great Week 6. May it be filled with winning bets, cold Natties and all the Blimpies a normal human belly can hold.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 NFL PICKS RECORD: 45-29-3

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 5-1

The First Half Under in Prime-time: 14-3 (Including TNF)

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.