CHICAGO – A raucous Wrigley Field crowd of 42,000 rose to their feet as Cubs first basemen Anthony Rizzo sent a 6th inning home run into the right field bleachers and gave the Cubs a 5-4 lead over the Cardinals in Game 4 of the NLDS. Despite hitting what would end up being the series-clinching home run as the Cubs went on to win 6-4, Rizzo was anything but raucous.
While being mobbed by teammates, Rizzo retreated to the corner to refresh his DraftKings’ app. “37%,” Rizzo muttered in a bothered tone in reference to his high ownership percentage in the DraftKings $90k Payoff Pitch that he was participating in.
As the Cubs inched closer to their first playoff series clincher at Wrigley, Rizzo grew more and more agitated in the dugout. The brunt of his frustration was directed towards teammates Dexter Fowler and Jorge Soler who both went 0-3 with a walk on the night. “Two goddamn points…” he was seen saying over and over. After Kyle Schwarber’s mammoth home run in the bottom of the 7th, Rizzo stayed seated on the bench while shaking his head. “Can’t believe I didn’t take him…,” Rizzo told Chris Denorfia, who shrugged off Rizzo’s comment as he was used to his constant bitching about his DraftKings lineups throughout the season.
As Cubs closer Hector Rondon struck out Stephen Piscotty to send the Cubs to their first NLCS in 12 years, Rizzo’s DraftKings frustrations subsided for a brief moment. However, — as the rest of the team celebrated in the locker room — Rizzo was dodging streams of champagne in the corner while refreshing his phone to see how his players in the Mets/Dodgers game were performing. Rizzo then pulled Denorfia away from the crowd. “Have you seen Justin Turner’s BABIP against left-handed pitching?!” Rizzo said proudly as Turner had just hit a two run double. Denorfia nodded and walked away without saying a word.
Unfortunately, Rizzo’s night ended on a down note as the four points Clayton Kershaw earned for the win dropped him to being just out of the money.
(NOTE: This story is completely fictional (well, at least PROBABLY fictional) and is only designed to be enjoyed as “satire.” However, the use of this to test others’ gullibility is not discouraged in any way.)