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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 5

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I can’t BOLIEVE this is year eight of The Informer writing this NFL Picks column? Eight freaking years man! I guess the old saying really is true, “time totally disappears when you are an alcoholic.”

Natty Light abuse aside, The Informer (yes, The Informer obnoxiously refers to himself in the third person because 20-year-old me decided a whole bunch of Natty Lights ago that this would be a good idea) can’t wait to bring his weekly NFL picks – over 52% ATS in six of the past eight seasons AKA $$$ – to the Schmozone so that we can all enjoy in the spoils that come with making fake illegal wagers with some dude named Fat Tuna Fish.

Ok, now that we have all that covered….D.J. could you please hit The Informer’s music so we can f****** gamble?

Dear Lord, no one wants to here the damn “Duck Song” before they gamble. Come on D.J. you can do better than that.

THAT’S BETTER!

On that note, welcome to The Informer’s Week 5 NFL Picks. Hopefully, you will all enjoy.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (+1)

Can someone please explain to The Informer what in the bluest of blue hells Indianapolis Colts’ cornerback Greg Toler was doing on the end of the half Hail Mary last night?

Seriously, go back and watch the play again; the dude is literally using his arm to block his teammate from playing defense. Other than the Florida Gators, who does that? Who openly blocks his own players from stopping the other team from scoring?

What a freaking disgrace.

As for the rest of the game; The Informer was going to pick the Colts until he found out Luck wasn’t playing, so instead he changed his pick and loaded up on the Texans in every way possible.

Needless to say, Ryan Mallet was not the only person watching last night’s Colts victory with tears in his eyes.

Pick: Texans (+1) LOSS

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-7)

Back in Week 3 The Informer thought it would be smart to bet Kirk Cousins on the road. Then, after watching Cousins play like a drunk Jay Cutler for three hours, The Informer swore to “Tebow” that he would never make that mistake again.

Pick: Falcons (-7)

CHICAGO BEARS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-9)

The Kansas City Chiefs are laying nine points? Seriously? Has Vegas watched Kansas City play football this year? Grab the points as the Chiefs will be lucky to score nine points, let alone cover.

Pick: Bears (+9)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9)

The Rams are coming off of a huge win over conference rival Arizona (so they are due for a letdown), they are playing their second straight road game, and they are going into Lambeau where Aaron Rodgers is unbeatable.

In other words, do not get cute with this pick. Just like Natty Light, Rodgers and the Packers at home are liquid gold.

Pick: Packers (-9)

BUFFALLO BILLS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+2.5)

The over/under on times “The Music City Miracle” gets mentioned this weekend has been set at 3 billion. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer has already bet the overs.

Also, The Informer loves home dogs coming off of a bye week when their starting quarterback just happens to be the 2015 NFL Rookie of the Year; so he will be taking the Titans as well.

Pick: Titans (+2.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-3)

Seattle is coming off of a Monday night victory, they are traveling two time zones to play an early Sunday afternoon game, and on top of that they are going against the red hot (and headed) Andy Dalton at home.

All signs are pointing to another Bengals home cover.

Then again, the Bengals are 4-0 because they played the Ravens, Chiefs, Raiders and Chargers. So the question becomes: Are those four wins against crap teams really enough to make Cincinnati a favorite over the defending NFC Champions?

The Informer is thinking we need to see the red-headed gunslinger do it against a great defense before we go crowning his a**.

Pick: HGHawks (+3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (-3)

The Informer would rather play the part of Edward Norton in a reenactment of the shower scene in American History X than watch this dumpster fire.

Pick: Jags (+3)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2.5)

Arizona is this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

If you want to know why it is called the “Lion King” Lock of the Week all you need to do is stroll into the nearest bar and ask the hottest bartender there if she wants to go home and watch the Lion King with you. After that all your questions will be answered #60%OfTheTimeItWorksEverytime.

Pick: LKLOTW (Cards -2.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6)

Here is a new gambling rule The Informer just made up: When the Cleveland Browns are playing back to back road games and they are gettng less than a touchdown, you have no choice but to lay the points.

Pick: Ravens (-6)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+8.5)

Here is what we know: Bill Belichick had an extra week to prepare for Brandon Weeden. The Patriots still have Tom Brady, who is money versus anyone during his “Screw you Roger Goodell” season. New England is definitely going to be trying for the “Gronk U” touchdown at the end of the game (aka the rub it in the NFL’s face run up the score TD by Gronkowski). The last time New England played the Cowboys after a bye week was in 2003. The Pats won that game 12-0. And finally, this is only the second time Tom Brady has played in Dallas as a pro. In his first game, during the “F-U” 2007 undefeated season, “Tom Terrific” and the Pats decimated Jerry’s boys 48-27.

Basically, The Informer is saying there is going to be a boat-race in Dallas this weekend.

Pick: Patriots (-8.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)

This is a classic when in doubt take the team with the better quarterback and coach game.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+5.5)

According to some very credible unnamed sources in the national media, here is a list of things wrong with Peyton Manning this week: He is blind in the right eye; his kidneys were sold on the black market; he has a prosthetic left leg; his right ear was bitten off by Mike Tyson; he has gout; the left side of his body is paralyzed from the waist down on days that end in the letter “Y”; his left foot is bigger than his right foot; he does not know how to Nae Nae; he was born without the “X” chromosome; his right arm fell off on Tuesday and they had to surgically replace it with a swimming pool noodle; and finally he only has six hours left to live unless he gets a full body transplant.

Wow . . . It is un-BOLIEVABLE the 5X NFL MVP is about to lead his team to a 5-0 start with all that going on.

Pick: Donkeys (-5.5)

SAN FRANSICO 49ERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-7)

Everyone say it with me:

The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015 . . . The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015 . . . The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015 . . . The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015 . . . The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015 . . . The first half under is 11-3 in Prime-time in 2015!!

Are we all clear about what to do with this game?

Pick: Giants (-7) & First half under

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3)

Michael Vick playing on the road in Prime-time? How could this possibly go wrong?

Pick: Steelers (+3) & First half under

That is a wrap folks. Enjoy Week 5. May it be filled with winning parlays, first half unders, and all the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 NFL PICKS RECORD: 38-23-2

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 4-1

The First Half Under in Prime-time: 11-3

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.