My name is Divac and I’m a DraftKings addict. I won’t hide it. I confessed it last December. Since that time, I actually went three WHOLE months completely sober. I swear on the grave of Bishop Sankey. Quit cold turkey right after basketball season ended. I enjoyed three months of DraftKings-less bliss over the summer and thought that I would never, ever go back.
The worst possible thing for a recovering addict is frequent exposure. For me, that exposure is Bradley C. telling me that he’s won $349 on Fanduel like he’s the f****** Great Gatsby. I’ve seen the commercial so many times that I’ve memorized the exact dollar amount. I’m SOOOOO glad your Sundays are more interesting BRADLEY! Mine are infuriating.
You may have noticed that there are a couple of DraftKings and Fanduel commercials on television every once in awhile. In fact, you may have watched 60,000 of them this year. It’s out of control, absolutely bats**** insane. I nearly lost my mind when I looked at that Super Moon that happened a couple weeks ago and saw this:
Like this isn’t even THAT unbelievable. I wouldn’t put it past DraftKings to try to attract some poor aliens with promises of deposit bonuses using the promo code “ETTheExtraTerrestial.”
I want to make one thing clear though. I AM ONLY A DRAFTKINGS ADDICT. I don’t do Fanduel. For me, it’s like Bloods and Crips. You’re either one or the other. Why am I a DraftKing? It’s all about the kicking game, or lack thereof. You don’t need to take a kicker on DraftKings whereas on Fanduel you are forced to pay your hard-earned fake salary money for one of these clowns. HAVE YOU SEEN THE KICKING GAME IN THE NFL THIS SEASON?! Connor Barth was signed by Tampa Bay AFTER TWEETING HE WAS AVAILABLE! If I’m going to lose my money (and I will), it’s not going to be because Zach Hocker can’t make a goddamn 30-yard field goal. I don’t think I could fathom losing $100k on a missed extra point. I’d probably jump off a building. A tall one too. Maybe Fanduel headquarters.
So how did I fall back off the wagon? DraftKings baseball of all things. I was just so excited for football season and I fell right into the trap of the oh so generous “200% deposit bonus” which I won’t fully realize unless I play every day of my life until 2056. I knew it was a trap and that I’d go off the deep end again, but I didn’t care. I was craving the sight of that beautiful DraftKings interface and all those buttons! So many buttons! Yes DraftKings, I would LOOOOOOVE to enter another contest. Why not enter them all?!?!
Let me tell you, DraftKings baseball is quite the slippery slope. It’s for those who are just determined to lose their money as quickly as possible. Like every single day. And it’s not just projections and prices and injuries you have to pay attention to. WEATHER! You need to be a meteorologist now in order to set your lineup! I’m just staring at the radar in Cincinnati because I need to determine if it’s too risky to take Rasiel Iglesias as there’s a 56% chance of showers at 7:48 P.M. and there are some nimbus clouds coming in from the East.
If you think football or basketball is a crapshoot, just wait until you play baseball. Who is Mikie Mahtook? F*** if I know, but he plays vs. lefties for Tampa Bay! Plug him in! Maybe you’ll get lucky.
With each and every unsuccessful attempt at winning, the paranoia and frustration grew. I had become convinced that Corey Kluber’s sole purpose of existing was to give up five runs when I put him in my lineup. I eventually just started stacking one random team in hopes that they’d score like 12 runs and once in awhile they actually would, but something would always happen to mess everything up like one of my pitchers completely imploding (probably Kluber).
By the time football season came around, I was a complete mess from baseball and still addicted to picking Kyle Rudolph. I CAN’T STOP PICKING THIS GUY! Have you seen those people on TLC or whatever who are addicted to the most messed up s*** you’ve ever seen like drinking laundry detergent or having sex with their car and their needs to be an intervention? Well, picking Kyle Rudolph is my strange addiction. I just look at that $3k price tag and can’t resist. This is the week Norv finally gets him more involved in the offense! I just imagine myself rolling around in $100 bills while he goes off for three touchdowns at .5% ownership with all the other Kyle Rudolph addicts.
Instead, he catches like 2 passes for 7 yards. Never again. Well, at least not until your price is below $3k next week. FML.