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Divac’s Flop of the Week: The Detroit Lions’ Offense?

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The Lions are now 0-3 after their loss to Denver on Sunday night and have absolutely no idea what the f*ck they are doing on offense. I don’t even like the Lions, but it’s still frustrating as hell to watch these clowns try to execute an offense that simply doesn’t work.

Head coach Jim Caldwell, who looks like a fish from Spongebob and has all all the emotions of a robot, can’t quite compute in his robot brain that Calvin Johnson should get the ball more. He’s just not programmed to do so. You would think he would have more love for Megatron since he’s a robot brethren, but he doesn’t because robots don’t have emotions. Someone on the Lions needs to find his on/off switch before Week 4 and re-wire his brain so that it is programmed to feature an offense that actually does things like score touchdowns and use it’s best players.

More of the blame for the Lions’ offensive woes should probably be placed on the shoulders of Joe Lombardi, the Lions’ offensive coordinator and the grandson of Vince Lombardi, who apparently doesn’t care that his grandfather is rolling over in his grave every time he decides to hand the ball off to Joique Bell for one yard. The dude is literally running in quicksand. Joe Lombardi is that guy in Mario Kart who think’s it’s a good idea to try to cut across the sand in Kalihari Desert because the distance is like half as long as it is going on the track. Unfortunately for Joe Lombardi, you also go like 100 times slower (unless you have star or fire mushroom) because YOU’RE DRIVING IN F*CKING SAND. Most people realize that it’s a bad idea after the first time. Joe Lombardi has run the course like 15 times and still can’t resist trying it. JOIQUE BELL HAS RUN THE BALL 20 TIMES FOR 22 YARDS THIS SEASON! TRENT RICHARDSON SCOFFS AT THAT! It could be forgiven if Joique Bell was actually good, but he really hasn’t been since his “breakout” in 2012 in which he was only featured as a part-time player.

Look, I get it. Joique Bell is “supposed” to be your feature back and he’s a local kid out of Wayne State who used to work as a security guard at the Lions training camp. It’s a nice story…you want him to be successful, he’s got a nice, little touchdown celebration and you want to “ease” Ameer Abdullah in….whatever. Here’s the issue though…every time that you run this guy into a brick wall is a wasted opportunity of giving the ball to somebody that can actually move their legs!

How many f*cking times has Matthew Stafford, an incompetent, interception juggernaut who exists in the NFL only because Calvin Johnson allows him to, just blindly thrown the ball up to Megatron for a big play? Hundreds? DO THAT! IT HAS WORKED FOR YOU! Golden Tate III (GT3) is another playmaker who got the ball ONE TIME in open space Sunday night and made some ridiculous moves to gain like 40 yards. Ameer Abdullah is running behind the same pathetic offensive line as Joique and averaging 3.9 yards per carry. MAYBE HE SHOULD RUN MORE? Instead, the Lions hand the ball off to Joique on two-point conversions and design 4-yard button hooks for Lance Moore. Well done.

In fairness, the Broncos may have the most legit defense in the NFL so some offensive struggles were to be expected. Still, something has to change heading into Week 4, right?

Monday night in Seattle should be fun for the Lions.

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.