Survivor pools everywhere got completely f*cked during NFL Week 2 which should now be referred to as “Apocalypse Sunday.” If there are any survivors out there reading this, then it is because you either have like 15 entries that allow you to pick a whole bunch of different teams or you’re just picking your team out of a hat. There is honestly no reason for anybody to still be alive.
So what happened? Pretty much this:
See all those people on the ground? Those are all the people who took a team in the early afternoon games. They most likely picked the Saints at home as ten-point favorites against the Buccaneers and were promptly decimated by a Tampa Bay-sized meteor. For those who didn’t pick the Saints because the Saints are complete garbage….well, they probably died too because they took either the Rams going to Washington as 3.5-point favorites or if they were truly set on committing Survivor Pool suicide, the Titans going to Cleveland as two-point favorites. Both those teams lost of course.
All this carnage and death was much to the delight of all those late game pickers who probably thought they were sitting pretty with their picks of either Miami as 6.5-point road favorites in Jacksonville or Baltimore as six-point favorites in Oakland. What’s the chances that the Browns, Buccaneers, Redskins, Jaguars and Raiders all win football games on the SAME DAY!?!?! I mean we might as well just go about our day as we normally would. THERE’S NO NEED TO EVEN WATCH THESE GAMES! Let’s just go out and get some coffee, maybe some croissants on this beautiful Sunday afternoon…
Week 2 was a f*cking Armageddon! Nearly 89% of the Earth’s Survivor Pool population was destroyed on Sunday and nearly 5% more of the population hangs in the balance as we wait to see if another massive meteor hits Indianapolis Monday night during their game vs. the Jets. So who did survive?
- Those who were smart enough to pick against mediocre West Coast teams coming off a big win and traveling to the East Coast for a noon game. (Pittsburgh and Cincinnati both beat San Francisco and San Diego respectively)
- Those who blindly decided to take the Patriots because they usually win.
- Those who were smart enough to pick against Ryan Mallett on the road in Carolina because well it’s Ryan Mallett on the road.
- Those who were smart enough to realize that the Green Bay Packers WERE NOT losing a revenge game to the Seahawks at home even though Eddie Lacy got hurt and their #3 WR for much of the game was something called Ty Montgomery (is this the guy from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?)
- Those who were smart enough to realize that the Bears are an absolute sh*tstorm of epic proportions in every facet of the game who were a Jay Cutler hamstring pull away (which conveniently happened after an interception) from having to put in an even worse quarterback in Jimmy Clausen. I really think inmates at Guantanamo should be tortured by being forced to catch passes thrown by Jimmy Clausen. I don’t think the dude could even throw a spiral with one of those NERF spiral footballs.
So if you’re still alive, congratulations! But you’ll probably just end up pushing Ben Affleck into an elevator and blowing yourself up in Week 8. GOODBYE HARRY!