The Schmozone QB Doghouse: Ryan Fitzpatrick, “The Wandering Amish Nomad”


Few individuals can say that they have been a starting quarterback in the National Football League. There are even fewer individuals that can say that they have been a quality starting quarterback in the National Football League. The Schmozone QB Doghouse is not for those individuals.

The Quarterback: Ryan Fitzpatrick, “The Wandering Amish Nomad” (AKA The Amish Rifle)

Team: New York Jets (1st year)

Career Record: 33-55-1

Other Teams Played For: St. Louis Rams (2 years), Cincinnati Bengals (2 years), Buffalo Bills (4 years), Tennessee Titans (1 year), Houston Texans (1 year)

It’s a new season and it’s another new team for Ryan Fitzpatrick who has now taken his mediocrity to make the New York Jets more mediocre than ever. If there’s one thing that you can be certain about heading into a NFL season, it is that Ryan Fitzpatrick will a) somehow, someway be starting NFL games somewhere and b) that this team will be mediocre at best. IT’S A LEAGUE MANDATE! It will be the year 2086 and Fitzpatrick will probably be trotting on in there for the Washington Redskins when RG6 leaves the game due to concussion-like symptoms. This dude is going to be a back-up quarterback for the rest of eternity.

Fitzpatrick literally wanders NFL free agency like a desert nomad wanders the Sahara. Each off-season, Ryan Fitzpatrick has made it a ritual to leave his homeland and navigate busy U.S. highways on the back of his camel in search of a new home. In almost every case, the Wandering Amish Nomad is signed to be the back-up for whatever mediocre team decides to seal it’s mediocrity by signing him. His signing is a bad omen for any other quarterback on the roster who are probably better off jumping in front of train than taking the field with Fitzpatrick as their back-up. Seriously, this guy is literally the bubonic plague to any other quarterbacks on the roster. Take a look at the Amish Nomad’s reign of terror:

  • St. Louis, 2005 – Fitzpatrick’s rookie season out of Harvard. Marc Bulger lands on IR with an injured shoulder and back-up Jamie Martin also gets hurt. Fitzpatrick debuts by leading the Rams back from a 24-3 halftime deficit to win in overtime vs the Texans. He then throws 8 interceptions in three straight losses and heads back to the bench.
  • Cincinnati, 2008 – Carson Palmer tears an elbow ligament four games into the season. Fitzpatrick starts the final 12 games and goes 4-7-1 (ties are possible, Donovan McNabb.)
  • Buffalo, 2009 – The Amish Nomad pitches his tent in Buffalo and he replaces a concussed/ineffective Trent Edwards halfway into the season. Fitzpatrick officially overtakes Edwards as the Bills starting quarterback in the following season and actually spends four years in Buffalo as their starting QB (that’s like 240 Amish Nomad years.) The Bills never win more than six games with him as their starter. Trent Edwards is waived by Buffalo and never seen again (signed by Jacksonville).
  • Tennessee, 2013 – After four long and sedentary years in Buffalo, Fitzpatrick journeys south to back-up the world’s most fragile human, Jake Locker. Locker lasts longer than expected and almost completes four games before getting decapitated by the Jets. Fitzpatrick starts the next three games and throws two touchdowns to complement his four interceptions. Locker makes a triumphant return and promptly breaks his foot. Jake Locker is now 27 years old and retired from professional football. Here’s the most recent footage that could be found of Jake Locker:

  • Houston, 2014 – Now it’s time to ruin Ryan Mallet’s career. Fitzpatrick actually wins the starting job right out of camp, but is benched after Week 9 for Mallett. However, the Amish Nomad is back in there by Week 12 because Mallett tears his pectoral muscle and he just nonchalantly tosses six touchdowns against the Titans like it’s something he does on the reg. In a serious twist of fate, Fitzpatrick suffers a season-ending tibia injury in Week 14 which prompts mass confusion on what should be done next. “Macho Man” Tom Savage is called on to replace the Amish Nomad who is only in this article so I could call him “Macho Man” Tom Savage.

So it’s now 2015 and Fitzpatrick has landed with the Jets to back-up Geno Smith, his fourth team in four years. When news broke that Geno would miss 6-8 weeks after he had his jaw broken in a locker room altercation with IK Enemkpali over a $600 plane ticket, most people wrote it off as “#LOLJets.” However, not many realized that it was all the doing of the Amish Nomad who had struck once again. He’s now in line to start at least half the season for four different teams in four consecutive seasons which is absolutely unheard of.

Fitzpatrick is the worst type of bad. He’s the type of quarterback that will give you some hope that your mediocre team won’t be mediocre when he goes out there in the first game and throws for 300+ yards and 3 touchdowns. Desperate fans will think to themselves that this just may be the year that Ryan Fitzpatrick wins more games than he loses, but it won’t be. He’ll throw 6 interceptions and go 1-3 over the next four games. That’s when you’ll remember that Fitzpatrick has never won more than six games in a season as a starting quarterback in his decade-long career, but have some hope Jets fans….maybe this is the year?

But probably not. #LOLJets


About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.