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Marlins Vow to Break Record Low Attendance Mark Set by Orioles-White Sox

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A day after the Orioles beat the White Sox 8-2 in a game that was closed to the public due to rioting in Baltimore, the Miami Marlins have vowed to break the record low attendance mark. The Marlins have always been known for their lack of fan support and consistently sparse attendance despite winning two World Series titles. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria seemed excited as he spoke with the media this morning:

“It gives us something to pursue this season. Breaking this record is priority 1A and 1B for us. There were days at the old Pro Player stadium where you could hear a pin drop. I still remember a humid, afternoon game in 1999 started by Livan Hernandez in which I counted 52 people at the stadium. I thought that was an unbreakable mark like the Joe Dimaggio or Cal Ripken of stadium vacancy.”

Loria expanded on his thoughts about the record-breaking affair:

“I nearly sh*t my pants when I heard about this Orioles game being closed to the public. I had no idea that was even possible. Otherwise, I would have attempted to incite rioting years ago. I watched the entire game on MLB.TV and you could actually hear Jeff Samardzija taking a sh*t on the mound when he let up those six runs in the first. It was music to my ears. I even opened a Twitter account just so I could spend all day retweeting the empty pictures of Camden Yards. Nothing gets me going quite like an empty ballpark.”

When asked how he could possibly break a record low mark of zero, Loria was unsure but hopeful:

“Is negative attendance possible?…..No? Not possible? Well, we’re still going to do whatever we can to keep people out of Shark Tank Field or whatever the f*ck our stadium is called now. ”

While the Marlins are intent on keeping people out of the ballpark, they don’t want to do anything that may draw the attention of the MLB front office. Loria hinted at potentially “raising ticket prices to $3 million per seat” and “trading Giancarlo Stanton to the Reds for middle reliever Burke Badenhop and some Double-A guy.” While discussed, these ideas were ultimately shot down:

“We’re not looking to raise any eyebrows among the MLB brass” said Loria, “We can’t break this record if we’re too obvious. Although, we are still waiting to see if an even more terrible offer for Stanton emerges.”

The Marlins have reportedly also been in contact with the Miami PD to see if they can schedule an episode of police brutality preferably “during a long home stand.” The Marlins are even looking to schedule an impromptu “Police Brutality Day” at the ballpark in which fans “will be beaten with night sticks” and then “will not receive timely medical care.” However Loria is hopeful something will happen without any intereference:

“This is the state of Florida! exclaimed Loria, “I’m sure something f*cked up will happen on it’s own within the next couple weeks. I’m just hoping it coincides with a Marlins home stand.”

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Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.