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Coolio Performed During the Spurs-Clippers Game in the Year 2015

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“And now for your halftime entertainment, please welcome to the court…..Coolio!”

These words were actually uttered in the year 2015. Staples Center fans were treated to a special treat during halftime of the Spurs-Clippers game in the form of the legendary Coolio. The former rap sensation/crazy hair guy/dude who sang the Kenan & Kel theme song showed up to the Staples Center and absolutely butchered a rendition of his hit single “Fantastic Voyage.” It appears Coolio “walked through the valley of the shadow of death” and took the court to realize that “there was nothing left.”

For those who might not know who/what Coolio is (i.e. anybody under the age of 21), here’s a quick explanation:

  • Coolio is the sh*t. He was the world’s #1 charting rapper thanks to his 1995 hit single, “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Andrew Wiggins wasn’t even 6 months old when this was released.
  • I’ll always remember Coolio for being the guy who sang the Kenan & Kel theme……Awwwww, here it goes.

  • Coolio is now 51 years old and hasn’t been relevant for at least 15 years.

The part of the performance I found most amusing was that Coolio was wearing an extremely over-sized Blake Griffin jersey with “Coolio” on the front. Why didn’t he just wear a custom “Coolio” jersey? Would The Clippers not provide him with his own customized jersey!? Here’s how I imagine the negotiations went:

Coolio: Really appreciate you letting me perform at halftime. Just one thing….Could I get a custom “Coolio” Clippers jersey to wear during the performance?

Clippers exec: [executives look around at each other]I really wish we could Coolio….but that may be a little outside of the budget we set for this performance. Honestly, the only reason you’re here is because President Balmer insisted that you perform….I know, we thought he was joking too, but apparently he’s a big fan of your work. But you know what? I think we can do something even better. Let me call one of our interns real fast.

[picks up the phone]

Hey Dan, are you busy?…Great, can you grab one of those Clippers jerseys in storage and cut out the letters from an old magazine lying around to spell Coolio’s name…..Ya, C-O-O-L-I-O. Try to make them the same color, but if you can’t that’s OK…..Anywhere on the jersey is fine. Just make sure it is visible….He’s a rapper I think. Steve likes him…Great, thanks Dan….Yup, Cosmopolitan is fine….Uh-huh…..yeah, there should be some glue sticks in the supply room.

Ok Coolio. Looks like you are getting your own custom jersey! But Coolio we have to do something about that hair. You look like a monk with shoe laces glued on to your head.

Coolio: Ya man, I know. I like to show off them braids, but time hasn’t been too kind.

Clippers exec: Hold on a second. I have an idea. [picks up the phone]Ya, Dan could you also grab a Clippers hat from storage and a hole punch. I need two holes to fit Coolio’s braids through…..I don’t know let me ask….how big of holes do you need to fit your braids through Coolio?

Coolio: If I had to guess, probably about a 1.47 inch diameter.

Clippers exec: About a 1.5 inch diameter Dan. Thanks again.

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.