It’s been like 5 weeks since Mr. Vlade Divac was named VP of Basketball and Franchise Operations which is a rather vague title that many assumed was just due to him being a Sacramento Kings legend and international basketball sensational. Well it’s not because now he’s reportedly running sh*t.
Sources told ESPN.com that Divac, who was recently hired by the Kings under the seemingly broad title of vice president of basketball and franchise operations, is indeed regarded as the team’s top basketball official by owner Vivek Ranadive after months of turbulence in Sacramento.
Yes, that means he is ahead of current Kings GM Pete D’Alessandro. Owner Vivek Ranadive is reportedly looking for a GM-type who will operate UNDER Vlade which makes no sense but at the same time makes complete sense because it’s the Sacramento Kings. However, things are now looking up because Vlade is running the show and will fill the roster with Divac-types that will lead the Kings to not being the worst team in the West. Since Divs and I share a sort of telekinetic energy that allows me to know exactly what he is thinking, here is what I think Divac will do with the current Kings roster:
Who Will Stay?
- DeMarcus Cousins – Ya, he makes way too many “why did you just kick my newborn puppy” faces. He acts like he gets shot every time he gets touched so much so that you would think every player on the other team is carrying a Glock. He complains about every single call. He looks at his teammates like he wants to choke them to death after they do something dumb which is a lot. Boogie Cousins annoys the f*ck out of me. With that being said, this is exactly what somebody like THE Vlade Divac is looking for. Cousins is the most versatile and talented big man in the NBA. He is capable of producing MVP numbers and passing out of the post like a Divac. Boogie isn’t going anywhere and it’s scary to think about what he could do if he was surrounded by players that were actually good at basketball.
- Omri Casspi – He’s the Hebrew Hammer and the only Jewish player currently in the NBA. (I’m buying the whole Amare Stoudemire “my mother is Jewish” assertion about as much as I’m buying Andray Blatche being half-Filipino). The Hebrew Hammer stays.
- Darren Collison – The Kings have completely collapsed since he got hurt. Not a coincidence.
- Ray McCallum – I like R-Mac. He plays hard. Solid back-up PG.
- Nik Stauskas – “Sauce Castillo” has been non-existent in his rookie season, but he’s a deadly shooter who would really benefit with other good players around him and in a system that creates shots for him. “Sauce Castillo” is also a revolutionary nickname.
- George Karl – Well, here’s the deal with head coach Karl. When I was eight years old, I attended a Milwaukee Bucks basketball clinic so I could become a consistently mediocre basketball player. This, along with receiving a signed Valentine’s Day card from Vinny Del Negro, was one of the many perks of being a Bucks season ticket holder. Since this was before my jersey obsession, I only had three jerseys to choose from to wear to the clinic; a MJ jersey, a Pippen jersey, or an Antonio McDyess Suns jersey. I chose the MJ. At the clinic, Coach Karl made me turn the jersey inside out and I later found out from others that a clip of this was shown on “NBA Inside Stuff” on NBC. I cannot confirm this as I have never seen it (it was well before YouTube and DVR). However, this will likely be my only ever appearance on national television so Vlade will keep George Karl for that reason.
- Sim Bhullar – Sim City isn’t going anywhere. Vlade will undoubtedly recognize the greatness that is “The Great Khali.”
He’s the first ever NBA player of Indian descent. He’s 7 foot 5. He’s 360 lbs. He makes DeMarcus Cousins look like a child. He can barely dribble. Sh*t, he can barely move. Here he is scoring his first ever basket in the NBA last night:
That’s shades of Kareem if I’ve ever seen it. Hodor will carry the Kings on his back to greatness.
Who Must Go!
- DERRICK WILLIAMS!!!!!! – Last Sunday, I was watching the Kings-Jazz game for “basketball reasons” and it felt like I was washing my eyes out with burning acid. The Kings turned the ball over about 50 times (give or take about 30) and just scrambled around on offense like they were ten-year olds. Boogie called the Kings season “a circus” earlier this year. Well if it’s a circus then Derrick Williams is Barnum & Bailey. You would think this bozo is a 5-time All-Star by the way he acts, not a 2nd overall pick who the T’wolves gave up on after 2 seasons when they traded him straight up to Sacramento for LUC RICHARD MBAH A MOUTE!!!! One doesn’t recover from being traded straight up for MMMBop. Here are the highlights from Williams’ nine point, ZERO REBOUND performance in 26 minutes (the man is 6 foot 8):
- 3rd quarter: As the Kings attempt to claw back from a 3rd quarter deficit, Williams gathers up a loose ball and lollygags his way towards the basket. Williams chooses to surpass an easy lay-up and instead throws an errant alley-oop pass to a streaking Ben McLemore. The Jazz then immediately hit an uncontested three-pointer.
- 4th quarter: After a Jazz turnover, Omri Casspi caps a 7-0 run with a fastbreak dunk that has cut the Jazz lead from nine to two. Seeing that his team has all the momentum and is dangerously close to possibly winning a game in which he has logged more than 20 minutes, Williams decides to shove a trailing Rudy Gobert following the play and receives a technical foul. The Jazz go on an 11-0 run to close out the Kings as Williams applauds his sabotage of any chance the Kings had at winning.
George Karl later said that a Coke machine could rebound better. That’s debatable since vending machines don’t have arms usually, but a vending machine sure as hell wouldn’t pass up an easy lay-up to throw an errant alley-oop pass to Ben McLemore. Derrick Williams is the worst. He must go.
- Rudy Gay – Sure, he can put up some numbers. He’s got a nice skill set. He’s essentially a slightly taller Joe Johnson. He’s played more years in the NBA (10) than playoff games (7). The Grizzlies traded him to the Raptors….and they got better after. The Raptors then traded him to the Kings…..and they got better after. Make it happen Vlade.
- Reggie Evans – Nobody likes Reggie Evans and he has legit never played on a good basketball team.
- Ben McLemore – He must go only because I will now forever associate him with dumb alley-oop passes from Derrick Williams.
- Ryan Hollins – All I really know about him is that he was the worst-rated player in NBA 2k11….or maybe 2k10….probably both. Must go.
- Andre “Naismith” Miller – Vlade can’t risk having a player die of old age on the basketball court even though it will be tough to part ways with a former first-round pick in the Civil War.
- Jason Thompson – He’s the longest tenured King which is probably all you need to know.
- Carl Landry – Nobody has ever had a thought about Carl Landry. He’s the most indifferent player in the NBA.
- Eric Moreland – I don’t know who this is. Maybe he’s just keeping the seat warm for Francisco Garcia.
BEST OF LUCK VLADE!