If there are two things I love more than anything in the world, it is local commercials starring professional athletes and awkward European NBA centers. This Timofey Mozgov commercial satisifies both of those requirements as he promotes his “home away from home,” the Brew Garden.
So let’s ignore for one second the elephant in the room, the backwards Kris Kross-esque jersey Timo is sporting, and get straight to the pressing questions:
- Why is this commercial set-up look like he’s taking a mugshot?
- Does Brew Garden really need their logo on both sides of Timo’s head? Are there certain people who can only process information on the left or right side that would require such repetition? If so, hats off to you Brew Garden.
- Why is Timofey so unhappy about this “faboolous food and fantastic people?” Is this faboolessness being fabricated?
- Who’s Timofey looking at 6 seconds into the commercial? Is he looking at Kevin Love not interacting with LeBron?
Now a normal sports journalist would just stop there, but a Schmozone journalist goes above and beyond expectations. The Brew Garden in Middlesburg Heights, Ohio has a grand total of 10 Google reviews!
Melissa M. echoed the sentiments of Timofey:
“The service was top notch! We ordered a bowl of chili and a barbeque sampler. The entire meal was amazing. The pulled pork was addicting and the smoked wings are the best I have ever had. The place was packed and the food came out promptly and The service was top notch! We ordered a bowl of chili and a barbeque sampler. The entire meal was amazing. The pulled pork was addicting and the smoked wings are the best I have ever had. The place was packed and the food came out promptly and was hot. Then my boyfriend dropped his phone between the booth and the wall. The manager used two different tools and a lot of patience to fish that phone out!! I will go there every time I am in that part of town.”
TWO DIFFERENT TOOLS! AND A LOT OF PATIENCE! NOW THAT’S SERVICE! Talk about fantastic people.
Justin W. had a similar experience:
“Amazing meatloaf and awesome beer list with a very nice staff. A+ place”
However it wasn’t all sunshine for the Brew Garden, Joe B. had some harsh words:
“I have been to this establishment in multiple occasions and every time I realize what a shit hole it really is. 4 dollars for a Budweiser and 5 dollars for a shot… Not worth the atmosphere and ridiculous prices.”
Now if a restaurant is a shithole then why would you go there multiple times? Maybe Joe was actually reviewing his experience at a Browns game and just posted in the wrong section.
Jenny M. wasn’t too happy either:
“Rubber band like chicken and lots of hair in food” 🙁
Lots of hair in the food? Maybe Jenny was there at the same time as Anderson Varejao. I’ll give the BG a pass on this one.
Finally, Dennis H. put the nail in the coffin with this review:
“Went here on a double date with my wife and some friends. Food was horrible and the wait staff knew nothing about beer. This is not acceptable at a place that calls itself a craft brew garden. Only go here if you like hanging with douche bags and don’t appreciate craft beer or good food
So this explains why Timofey enjoys this place so much, Timofey loves hanging around douchebags!