5 Dead, 15 Hurt in Waiver Wire Stampede for Jonathan Dwyer


NEW YORK – Tragedy struck New York City early Friday morning when five people were trampled to death and 15 more were injured in a waiver wire stampede for Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer. Mass chaos erupted on a busy New York City intersection when news broke that Arizona Cardinals starting running back Andre Ellington was likely to miss 4-6 weeks with a foot injury. Fantasy owners on the busy intersection panicked and began rushing to the waiver wire to pick up Jonathan Dwyer, a plodding running back who has never had any true NFL success yet is projected to be starting for the Cardinals while Ellington is on the sidelines.

Bodies were left strewn across New York City streets and the wounded were being attended to as the citizens of New York are having difficulty coming to grips with what has happened.

“I just don’t get it,” said one woman who requested to remain unidentified. “It’s just such a senseless tragedy. I mean, Dwyer is going to be a fourth or fifth running back at most. If you need to start Dwyer at any point this season then you might as well just give up on your fantasy league.”

Another man said that his grandmother was one of the victims and he fought back tears while describing the scene. “I got an alert on my phone about the Ellington injury and almost immediately pandemonium broke out. I screamed at her to run, but she just wasn’t fast enough. She was barely even able to take two steps before being felled by the masses. It was like watching Trent Richardson trying to take a halfback toss outside the numbers. I managed to make my way back to my fallen Gram Gram, but she told me to go on without her. I pleaded with her that I could probably just pick up Dwyer on my smartphone, but she insisted that I rush to the waiver wire to pick up Dwyer. As I held her in my arms, her last fading words to me were, “Go Johnny….go….forget me…but just promise me one thing….don’t drop Bishop Sankey for him. I really like him as a sleeper this year…” I left her there to take her last breaths, but I was able to fulfill her last wishes to grab Jonathan Dwyer. This championship is for you, Gram Gram.”

A self-described fantasy enthusiast defended his role in the stampede by saying it was the only option. “I had no choice. None at all. My 6th running back is Lance Dunbar. What happens if both of my starters get hurt and I have two running backs on bye? I needed Jonathan Dwyer and I would do it again if I had to. The casualties are just the cost of fantasy football glory.”

When asked why everyone felt the need to rush to the waiver wire instead of simply just using their smartphones to make the transaction, the man was indecisive, “I’m not really sure, but it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I mean Andre Ellington got HURT! He was one of my favorite breakout players this year! I just panicked when I heard the news.

This is the first waiver wire stampede since the Ogletree stampede of 2012 that claimed the lives of two people and it is the deadliest one since the T.J. Duckett disaster of 2004 that took the lives of nearly 50 people.


About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.