content

Vin Baker’s Dozen – Vegas Edition

0

Vin Baker’s Dozen is here and since Divac just got back from flopping around in Vegas, I’m going to do a special Vegas edition. Check out the 13 types of gamblers you’ll encounter in Vegas:

1. The High Roller

There’s no doubt that if you are staying in any upscale establishment in Las Vegas, you will most likely encounter the high roller. The high roller gives less f*cks than Jay Cutler. Most likely the high roller is playing at the craps table and has about $50k worth in chips. He doesn’t hesitate to throw a $250 chip on the 176 to 1 All or Nothing nor does he care when he loses it, which he will. He will constantly use Craps lingo to let you know that this isn’t his first go around such as “$250 on the midnight” (double sixes) or “$500 on Larry Bird” (double threes). During your roll, he announces he will “tip” you $5k if you can just roll the snake eyes he needs to hit that All or Nothing.  Suddenly, you can barely grip the dice and inevitably roll a seven. Oh well.

Success? Absolutely not. The high roller loses about $50k while you are playing with him, but gives absolutely no f*cks about it. Nothing says “I have a lot of money” more than giving no f*cks when you lose a lot of money.”

2. Intense Craps Guy

Intense Craps guy is kind of like the high roller in that he is wagering large amounts of money, but he cares. And let me tell you, does he ever care. You don’t f*ck with Intense Craps Guy. Most likely Intense Craps Guy is well dressed in a blazer and wingtip shoes and probably from somewhere like Dubai. Intense Craps Guy is like the Kevin Garnett of craps. He has a routine he goes through before each dice roll and rolls the dice with such authority and bravado. Unlike the high roller, Intense Craps Guy doesn’t just throw away his money on unlikely bets. He is careful and calculated in the way he spends the $15k worth of chips he has sitting in front of him. He celebrates with a fist pump and loud scream when he hits the point and glares angrily when the seven is rolled. You are terrified of Intense Craps Guy. It is not uncommon to see Intense Craps Guy playing by himself.

Success? Not at all. Intense Craps Guy probably loses $15k in 5 minutes and walks away like he is about to go bludgeon an unsuspecting prostitute.

3. Newbie Asian

The Newbie Asian has no idea what he is doing. In all likelihood, the Newbie Asian is dressed in a polo and jeans and is smoking a cig with a couple of buddies who also have no idea what is going on. There is no doubt that Newbie Asian has no clue why he is winning money, but he is excited about it. After the High Roller leaves the table, Newbie Asian hits the All Small or All Tall two or three times and cheers wildly with his buddies. Newbie Asian has an absolute ball at the craps table.

Success? Absolutely. You want to be at the table when Newbie Asian is rolling.

4. Belligerent Blackjack Guy

Belligerent Blackjack Guy is probably somewhere in his late 40’s or 50’s and dressed in golf course attire. It is immediately apparent that his alcohol tolerance may not be what it used to be. Belligerent Blackjack Guy is way too belligerent to be playing craps so he chooses a much simpler game in blackjack. There is one thing that is guaranteed with him though…you have absolutely no idea what this guy is talking about and you just agree with whatever mumble jumble he is spitting out there. He will talk about how he is “playing with his kids college fund” or “how he f*cked that prostitute last night.” He will likely call the dealer a derogatory name and will tip any cocktail waitress that even walks by absurd amounts of money. You will respond with things like, “You should probably get that rash checked out” and “Did you check her pulse or just leave her there?” Dealing with the Belligerent Blackjack Guy can be extremely awkward and inevitably you two will be the only ones remaining at the table. He will likely suggest that you two “visit a strip club he went to yesterday” as long as you “don’t tell his wife.” Like the high roller and Jay Cutler, this guy doesn’t care about winning or losing, but he’s having a great time.

Success? Who Knows? But whatever he does win, he tips to bypassing cocktail waitresses.

5. Nervous Sports Gambler

There is one thing that characterizes Nervous Sports Gambler…he is betting way too much money on something he has absolutely no control over. He is likely overweight, possibly an ex-college football lineman. This is a man’s hand that you do not want to shake. He will nervously rub his face and wipe his nose as he stands in the sportsbook for the entire game with his eyes fixated one one or two TV screens. This is the type of person that will openly cheer a Serge Ibaka block with 7 minutes remaining in the 1st quarter because he has the under. He will rattle off stats supporting his selection and will say things like, “the backdoor is still open!” when his team is down 30 in the 3rd quarter with an 8 point spread. Some of his stats may be a good indication of what the outcome will be, but in general they are a complete fallacy. When he tells you something like the San Antonio Spurs are 25-16 ATS in all home games since 1996 against the Denver Nuggets, he dismisses any notion that David Robinson has been retired for over a decade and that Kawhi Leonard was in kindergarten in 1996.  Needless to say, the Nervous Sports Gambler is not enjoyable to talk to. While you try to lighten the mood and crack some jokes, he wants none of it while constantly uttering things like, “unf*ckingbeleivable” or “slow the game down.” While you try to make conversation, he is busy adding up the points scored in the game so far to see if it is on pace for the over or under and wondering if he should lay some money on the halftime line.

Success? Probably not, but he’ll say he won all of his other bets.

6. Ugly Sports Coat Guy with a Stogie

Holy sh*t, what is this guy wearing? Ugly Sports Coat Guy with a Stogie is a staple in Las Vegas casinos everywhere. Most likely this man is from Texas or somewhere like Chattanooga and appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. Wherever he’s from, that jacket is just awful. It’s like Craig Sager has just decided to show up and play craps or blackjack next to you. It’s really that bad. Whether it’s burgundy or lavender or plaid, it’s truly like the Sam Cassell of men’s formal wear. Ugly Sports Coat Guy undoubtedly talks with a Southern drawl when he removes the enormous stogie from his mouth to speak.

Success? Yup, and he uses the winnings to buy more ugly sport coats.

7. The Hot Chick

When gambling in Las Vegas, you will likely be playing with other men. However, every once in a while you will be lucky enough to encounter an attractive woman in your gambling ventures. Unfortunately, in most cases this attractive women is with a guy who is teaching her how to play or trying to impress her by winning and spending large sums of money. This won’t stop Belligerent Blackjack Guy from hitting on her though. In many cases, this woman will have fake tits and ample amounts of other plastic surgery. However, it is not an absolute. Like the Newbie Asian, she probably has no idea what she is doing, but she’s like Tim Tebow. All she does is win. When playing craps, the guys at the table will be saying “hot shooter!” and may even skip their turn to roll just to let her shoot again. At the end of her roll, she will no doubt receive a standing ovation.

Success? Oh yeah. Even Intense Craps Guy wins when she is shooting.

8. Old Dude with a Cowboy Hat

Other than The Hot Chick who is pleasing for other reasons, the Old Dude with a Cowboy Hat will probably be the most enjoyable gambler that you will encounter. Imagine professional poker player Doyle Brunson, but not quite as old. There is a good chance that this man may have a toothpick in his mouth and 90% of the time this guy will be from Texas, but there is an off-chance that he is from Arizona or Wyoming. He most likely made a fortune years ago as an oil tycoon and has been living the high life ever since. He provides a great deal of wisdom, an upbeat attitude, and is wearing awesome cowboy boots. Everyone loves the Old Dude with a Cowboy Hat, even the Newbie Asian recognizes his undeniable charm. He will say things like, “What I would pay to see Staubach back at quarterback for the Cowboys” and “Let’s have a hootenanny!” He doesn’t really care whether he wins or loses, but he is just there to have a good time and provide camaraderie.

Success? No doubt.

9. The 55-year Old Guy Without a Conscience

While the Old Dude with a Cowboy Hat is the most enjoyable gambler that you will encounter, this guy is by far the least enjoyable. He makes the Belligerent Blackjack Guy look like Nelson Mandela. This man will likely be overweight, out of shape, and smoking a cigarette. He will undoubtedly be betting on sports and will react to a missed 1st half free throw by an 18-year old kid like there’s a massive asteroid barreling toward Earth. The 55-year Old Guy Without a Conscience is by all accounts an undeniable racist. He will use the N-word multiple times and may even blame Abraham Lincoln for his betting woes while failing to realize that he is wagering money on college kids who may have gotten their driver’s license less than three years ago. You will hear him tell a 19-year old kid to “jump in front of a train” after committing a questionable foul and will likely wish “severe birth defects” on his future children. This guy is just the worst.

Success? No chance, otherwise he would be screaming something like, “I’m taking off MLK day next year!”

10. The College Bro

The College Bro is easy to spot among Las Vegas casinos. He is wearing a tank (possibly a NBA jersey such as a throwback Penny Hardaway), swimming trunks, flip-flops, and a backwards snapback hat. Depending on his level of broness, he may or may not be wearing orange-rimmed sunglasses indoors. The college bro is like a wolf as he never travels alone and will always be with his other college bros. You are most likely to spot the college bro during the months of March or December, but it is not out of the question for him to be present during any Vegas weekend. The broiest of all the bros will likely lead a conversation among his fellow bros that includes a description of how f*cked up he got last night and how hot the girl was that he thinks he banged.

Success? Nope, but he’s playing with his parents money anyways so who cares.

11. Creepy Dude with a Prostitute

Probably in his 30’s or early 40’s, the creepy dude with a prostitute would relatively go unnoticed….except for the fact that he is a creepy dude with a prostitute. He is noticeably unattractive and desperate and awkwardly gropes a Filipino prostitute while gambling. She just stands there like she is having a good time. Even the Belligerent Blackjack guy is creeped out by this while Intense Craps Guy asks her where she got all those bruises from. You later see him at the pool cuddling with the same prostitute in a way that only teenagers would partake in. It’s despicable.

Success? Uh….no.

12. Kid Learning to Play Craps for the First Time

Among gamblers, this kid is even more successful than the Hot Chick or the Newbie Asian. He likely just turned 21 recently and is learning how to play craps from his dad. This kid is like the Carmelo Anthony of gamblers. He just shows up as a fresh face and wins the National Championship. At this point, he is thinking to himself how easy this is and how many more championships he will win in the future. Ya, about that. He never wins again, but that doesn’t matter to you. You are the Gerry McNamara of the table and are greatly benefiting from this kid’s great fortune and fresh faceness at this time. There is no sight greater then seeing this kid as the shooter.

Success? Damn straight!

13. Antoine Walker

At this point, you have seen the best and worst of Vegas gamblers. You think to yourself “I’ve seen it all, what else could there be? Wait, is that Antoine Walker? It is. Did he just lose $200k on that hand of blackjack? He did, didn’t he? Ok, I can leave now.”

Success? Say it ain’t so Antoine

Share.

About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.